The parent/child relationship is typically one of unconditional love, patience and sweet moments. It also is one of dependency, programming, jealousy and hindrances. A large portion of our adult issues can be traced back to our childhood and relationship with our parents. Your parent is your God as a child. They teach us our manners, how to eat, how to clean, how to be…everything that they want us to be.
There are so many children willing to be whoever their parent(s) need them to be to appease them. To be loved. To be seen. Parents usually make an attempt to create a better life for their child(ren) by trying to give them better opportunities than they were granted. Which is completely understandable. But usually, when parents think of “better”, it’s associated with money, social acceptance and/or education. There is rarely a plan to love the child better, understand them better and support them better. Parents tend to want a better life for their child so much that they impose their personal agenda onto the child. There are so many children taking a ballet class, going to football/basketball practice or joining the school’s Math competition to please their parents. Somewhere right now, there is a little boy on a basketball court when he’d really rather fix computers or write music.
You ever told your parent what your dream was and in response,they told you what their dream of what your life should be? A lot of times parents are trying to correct their childhood through their children, completely oblivious of the impact it may leave on them. There is a parent somewhere working 3 jobs to financially provide for their child’s needs and sometimes wants. So the child will have hot running water, a good meal, a roof over their head AND the new Jordans. But how many more hugs, kisses, acknowledgement and friendship can be offered to a child whose mother is always at work for those amenities and luxuries? Children often time have to sacrifice their childhood to remedy their parents tainted upbringing. And because of this, we grow up and replace the parent with partners.
We begin to morph into whatever people want us to be. Specifically women. A woman will try to be everything a man wants, desires and needs. Even if that’s at the detriment of losing her own identity because from very young, we are prepped to cater and serve others. We begin to believe that is all that we are, a shadow with multiple masks ready and willing to wear whichever identity that is worthy of being loved back. As a result, we become a “Bag Lady”; lugging our baggage around to each and every relationship. Dumping our ugliness, insecurity, jealousy and self-hatred on anyone that slightly touches our body, mind or soul. And when our partner can no longer bear the weight of our baggage, we fail to even see our contribution to its downfall because it’s just easier to point the finger. This is all rooted from not having the proper nurturing and celebration to be ourselves growing up. The Mother-daughter relationship can be specifically strained due to the mother’s necessity to maintain some form of power over their daughters, even in adulthood. It is up to you as an adult to acknowledge that shadowed identity, understand it and love it in spite of how ugly it may be.It is our responsibility to remove ourselves from the weight of expectation pressed on us as children and blossom into our own, true identities. No one has the freedom to be themselves ALL the time. We all conform to some degree. If you find yourself compromising who you are majority of the time, then who are you when you take off all of your masks?